Two psychologists explain how to prepare for these conversations, which are fundamental to connection in a relationship.
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How many times have you put off an important conversation with your partner? That knot in your stomach that appears when you want to talk about something important is more common than you think.
Whether to strengthen connection or resolve a dispute, deep conversations are fundamental to keeping relationships healthy. Even so, we often get scared just thinking about how to have that conversation with our partner. It is as if the fear of saying the wrong thing or causing offense were greater than the desire to be vulnerable or to know the other person more deeply.
To help you break through these barriers and achieve the connection you are looking for, we consulted two psychologists about the right techniques for having deep conversations, how to avoid conflict, and what questions might help.
Why have deep conversations?
Although many people associate deep conversations with resolving conflict, psychologist and couples and family therapist Gisselle Torres explained in an interview with Platea that they are also "a great source of intimacy and connection."
"When we see couples who are in a lot of conflict, they are usually couples who have not talked about something," Torres said, on the importance of daring to have the conversation despite the fear.
For clinical psychologist Gladiminet López, these conversations are not only the foundation of a relationship; they also create a meeting point between both partners' vulnerability.
"Being able to be vulnerable with our partner and talk has the benefit of making the relationship deeper. That helps make the space you share with your partner your safe place. You feel loved, heard and protected… That is why it is beneficial. We feel safe and loved, and we feel that our life has meaning."
Gladiminet López, clinical psychologist, in an interview with Platea
That said, it is not about diving into a conversation like this without any preparation. There are a number of things to keep in mind before starting a deep conversation.
The first step is to prepare
"When we are going to have a conversation, it is always essential to prepare. To prepare our attitude, our emotions and the setting, to avoid conflict," Torres explained.
We need to keep in mind that "we are not only going to express ourselves, but we are going to listen," she added. "That is one of the most common mistakes: it is hard for us to listen to our partner."
Gisselle Torres, psychologist and couples therapist
We need to keep in mind that "we are not only going to express ourselves, but we are going to listen," she added. "That is one of the most common mistakes: it is hard for us to listen to our partner."
It is important to calm our emotions and understand that we need to stay composed so the conversation flows better. According to Torres, many conversations end the same way they began, which is why preparation matters.
We also need to choose an appropriate setting and know why we want to have the conversation: "whether I want to be understood or I want to solve a problem," Torres said.
👥 8 keys to a deep conversation
1. Start the conversation calmly 😌
"You should start (the conversation) in a low tone of voice," López recommended. "This seems simple, but many couples do not practice it because, when you are upset, you obviously have a higher tone of voice," which can affect effective and assertive communication, she added.
Although "it is valid to be upset," that does not mean raising your voice. "We need to learn to manage our emotions, to self-regulate and start with a low tone of voice," López said.
2. Focus on expressing how you feel in the first person 💬
When we communicate something that bothers us, we should start by saying how it makes us feel, López suggested.
You can start with phrases like "I feel sad" or "I feel angry when this or that happens." "That set of words is key to having a soft opening to the conversation," Torres said. "Speak from what I feel, not from a place of attack," she added.
3. Communicate what you need 🫶
According to Torres, you can clearly express what you need to address what is happening to you, or ask: How would you like us to handle this together? What solutions could we put in place?
Not every conflict will have a solution, however, López cautioned. "Sometimes you negotiate and reach agreements, but there isn't always a solution," she explained. That also has to be kept in mind to avoid falling into frustration.
4. Listen carefully 👂
Although it may seem simple, for some people this can be difficult to put into practice. For that reason, psychologist Torres suggested paraphrasing what the other person said to confirm you understood correctly, with a phrase like: "I understand you mean this." This is a way of validating your partner.
Listening means not getting defensive, not resorting to attacks, and not ignoring the other person, which brings us to the next point.
21 questions for a deep conversation with your partner
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Source: Interviews with psychologists Gladiminet López and Gisselle Torres | Platea PR
5. Maintain respect 🤝
In addition to an appropriate tone, being respectful during the conversation is key. This means paying attention and not interrupting. "What you must not do is judge the person. Not listening to them or not validating them, because everyone always has some valid point, and making remarks that hurt your partner, that wound them, insulting, yelling or being defensive should be avoided by all means," psychologist López said.
6. Ask for space or a "time out," if necessary ⏱️
In moments when the conversation becomes too uncomfortable and you do not want to keep talking or listening, "it is important and valid to say: I need 30 minutes to regulate my emotions. I don't feel well," Torres recommended. That said, "the important thing is to make sure we will pick the conversation back up" when that time out ends.
López explained that not everyone has learned to have deep conversations, either because of how they were raised or because they cannot face the discomfort that their own feelings produce. Given this, "you have to ask yourself where the discomfort comes from, why I behave this way" and work on it by going to therapy, seeking help, or reading books related to managing feelings and relationships, she suggested.
7. Express gratitude and make repairs and commitments 🙇
Before ending a deep conversation, it is important to take responsibility and make repairs, something that can be achieved with phrases like: "Thank you for listening to me" or "I appreciate that you understood or tried to understand me," Torres suggested. If what you are discussing has no solution, you can reach an agreement and commit to following through on it, if necessary.
8. End the conversation with physical contact and quality time 🫂
Finally, physical contact and quality time are excellent ways to end a deep conversation. "A six-second kiss can be restorative for a couple," Torres recommended. "A 20-second hug as well," she added.
You can do something you both enjoy, like watching a movie, to spend quality time together and smooth over any rough edges from the conversation.
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Criticism: These personal attacks usually conceal a need or a request.
Defensiveness: This occurs when we feel attacked and can sustain a grievance. It is countered by taking responsibility.
Stonewalling: Ignoring or not responding to the other person can be taken as a form of punishment. This is not the same as consciously taking time to step back and regulate emotions.
Contempt: It shows up as mockery, sarcasm or belittling, and can affect a partner's self-esteem. It is countered by showing interest and expressing what we want or expect from our partner.
This content was translated with the assistance of Artificial Intelligence (AI).
